How to be a good friend
“The only way to have a friend is to be one”
Aah, friendships. One of the most important parts of our human existence yet one of the most challenging experiences we face in our lives. Whether we are talking about our children or reflecting on our own adult relationships, they don’t come without their fair share of complexities and struggles.
Many parents come to us to help their children feel more confident about themselves so that they can stop having negative interactions with people around them. This includes other children at school, teachers and caretakers. “Bullying” is a term that is quite easily thrown around but this term isn’t so accurate to describe some of the more common relationship and connection issues we see in most instances.
Photo by Archie Binamira from Pexels
Some of the most common issues we hear about when it comes to relationships from our kids are:
My friend is being mean to me
My teacher is always angry with me
My parents think I am not trying hard enough
My mum/dad doesn’t understand me
As human beings, we are wired to seek connection with others. It’s an innate survival instinct and a human need. We like to belong to a pack or a herd, and will sometimes do whatever it takes to maintain this connection. Most times, all we want is a connection - no matter how bad it might be! Can you resonate with this as an adult?
It’s important to notice when a connection turns into a negative or even harmful connection. When relationships turn from supportive and trusting relationships to hurtful ones, we must try and figure out the following things:
Do I still want to have a connection with this person?
If yes, what form of connection do I want to build it to?
When you think about the most important relationships a child will have at their age, they will be those with the parents, teacher and a school friend (or two). We can confidently say then, that in most cases, the answer to the above question 1 will be a yes. So our focus must be on question 2, the type of connection the child can offer to the other person.
If the current relationship they have with their friend is negative, then we must help the child to step up to offer a healthier and more positive connection. If you are the parent of the child, reflect on what your current relationship is with your child - is it positive or is it more negative? We always throw out subconscious cues for connection, it might be as small as a look or a shift in body language, that communicates to the other person the type of connection on offer. A loud sigh, eye rolling or starting the connection with some negative feedback is setting the scene for a low quality connection. Generally, the child will connect with you on that because the connection is more important to them than the quality. If we can start to observe our own relationships with our children, we will be able to be better in helping them with the other relationships in their lives.
We can help our children build high quality and positive relationships by helping them with:
Leading through kindness
Maintaining good eye contact
Asking questions clearly
Being curious about the other person instead of judgmental
Of course these are easier said than done! But they also easier to learn as they grow rather than re-learn as adults.
The better our children can connect with their world through their authenticity and honesty, the better relationships they will have. As human beings, this can result in a better quality of life for all.