Your child is not what they feel.
I saw this post on social media this week and I couldn’t have planned a better post to share today.
Many times, emotions get the better of us. Can you imagine how our kids manage in times like this? Do they know what to do? Do you?
A lack of self-awareness can give someone the illusion that they are what they feel, such as anxious. This form of belief can be formed in childhood and then carried right throughout to adulthood. It will result in a life full of turbulence and mediocre results, which is not what we want for our children.
Because, the reality is this;
Once a child knows how they do things, they are no longer in the dark.
Once a child knows who they are, they are confident about themselves.
When they know how to make decisions, they become resilient.
Both negative and positive emotions are unexpected and both are completely out of our control. They come and go at very unpredictable moments. So it doesn’t serve us well to tie our sense of self to something so unstable. Many of us function under the illusion that we are what we feel and for many children, this is an exhausting and limiting way to live.
At the core of building self-confidence and resilience in our children (and ourselves for that matter) is the need to understand our emotions. Not understanding our emotions is a sure way to let them take over our sense of judgment and control our decision making. We all know that emotional decisions are not always the best decisions to make - we tend to realise this once the emotion has passed through and we are able to see clearly again. I always equate it to a cloudy day. Pema Chodron famously says “you are the sky, everything else is just weather”, and this is a great analogy to share with our kids.
For many years, I have worked with children who feel they cannot handle themselves very well and therefore have low self-confidence. However, when a child is clear on:
Who they are
What they feel, and
How to make better decisions;
the child is empowered and able to handle themselves better.
Parents, you don’t have to wait to get started on creating these opportunities for your kids, you can start right now by implementing these 3-steps straight away!
Build their sense of emotional awareness
Encourage your child to name the emotions as they feel them. Are they feeling angry, are they feeling happy? Before they jump into acting out through that emotion, say “what emotion are you feeling? It seems you are angry, is this correct?”. The side benefit of doing this, is the creation of a momentary pause, which will delay the habitual and most often, unhelpful, behaviour which tends to follow a strong emotion. You can name your emotions also, as you feel them. Make it a family practise.
Build their sense of identity
Ensuring that a child is valued and seen for who they really are - kind, smart, helpful, fun, brave, creative, etc - is a sure way to build their sense of identity. Give them feedback on these qualities when you observe them and expand their vision and their experience of being who they really are.
Foster their unique decision making processes
Encourage them with their own decision making power. Children are always making decisions - empower them by asking them to show you how they made certain decisions so that they can apply that process to another area of their lives. This opens discussions on mindset for older kids, and it empowers them to know what sort of mindset they can activate to approach their daily actions.
They will then foster a belief that no matter what life throws at them, they can handle it and they will figure it out. Now isn’t this what we all want for our children, for them to be confident kids?
